Life Has Changed

BLOG MOVED!!

HIII! I’ve moved from tumblr to 

WORDPRESSS

http://igotguts.wordpress.com/

Tumblr has so many errors that i’ve lost entire blogs before then i get P/O’d

Peace out!!…BUT i’ll come back and check up on all you guy’s blogs still :-) 

Wow

SO, i’ve been doing exactly what i said. I was going to do. Taking this time to be more productive, and to dive into issues that i didn’t give a flip about before. 

It has probably been one of the most rewarding things. Not only to soak up some of the boredom, but to learn, and be more aware. 

So far, i’ve watched quite a few documentaries. Mostly about politics. WHILE BEING MINDFUL THAT THERE IS PLENTY OF BIAS IN MANY DOCUMENTARIES AND NEWS SOURCES, i’ve been making sure i filter all that out, and remain kinda open. 

I first watched a documentary about Obama’s first year in office. All spent on Health Care Reform. Which, you guys know where i stand with that. Its different when you’re specifically affected by something like this, so, try and understand why I stand where i do..k?. :-)  It actually brought a tear to my eye to see how fought for this was, and made it possible for me to go to the dentist a few weeks ago, and to see my Primary care doctor HERE IN VA next week :-)

I then dived (dove?) haha into wars. This WRECKED my heart because you see how our human nature responds to things. to KILL KILL KILL. I also watched one on Hiroshima the other day. The first use of an atomic bomb that wiped out an entire city including over 100,000 innocent people.  It put an end to world war II, but you can’t help but wonder how ethical it was to put devastation like that to innocent civilians. Many children even.. 

Then i watched a documentary about Robert E. Lee.  Random huh. haha. All about the civil war and Robert E. Lee. I won’t dive into my thoughts on that one here on this blog.. you should know where i stand with this National “super hero”

I also get up every morning, and through out the say (as i have also downloaded an app (CNN) to stay extra up to date with the news. I’ve actually been like, almost TOO up to date. Its almost depressing..actually, it IS depressing. Our country is sitting around arguing like middle school children at the expense of the American people. 

 So, i’m still going at it.  I’m trying to still keep myself from going crazy and this is helping. Still reading this AWESOME book called Chasing Daylight. Still praying for God to use me in a HUGE ADvEnTuRouS way that he has called us to. 

Also trying hard not to let little things that happen ruin my day.. (thats a huge step for me)..getting there..

I’m growing more and more weary of being here. I wanna go, build a life. Really tough to see someone i haven’t seen in years, hear what they are doing with their lives (usually something huge), then have to give my response. 

although my response is actually huge. I’m alive when i really shouldn’t be. I’m trying really hard to be SO grateful for that. Can you believe that i forget that sometimes? i think thats horrible and i’m offended by myself sometimes. 

 I am realizing how long my recovery time is, as i do my physical therapy three times a day. Its really hard. ANd its kinda depressing sometimes to me as i do these simple exercises that are so challenging to me. Then, my mom tells me she is proud that i’m trying, and to keep working at it. That helps :-) I look forward to taking my first run it like..a year :-) haha

Recovering

This sign is the bane of my existence. 

Always seems to hit when you are perfectly on time to wherever it is you’re going!..more on that later…

ANYWAY

it was a great day.. the first hour and a half ish, i talked to a lady from the Cru headquarters in Florida.. She was so nice. talked about my experiences transitioning from college life to non college life. talked about the ups and downs..and life right now in general. It was really cool.

then listened to some weezer.

then, thanks to Katie Johnson and the fact that i forgot to give her cds back, i listened to Patsy Cline the rest of the way up the road. I was doing great on time! had to be there at 11. Tina (my GPS) told me my arrival time was gonna be 10:44. I had even shaved off 4 minutes!

then, 3 miles before my exit to the hospital

put me there 20 minutes late. 

only to find out that they never scheduled my appointment. So, i had to come back at 3. So i lolly gagged at this starbucks that my parents always go to while i’m in the hospital. It was nice.

1pm came. had my post op appointment. Then, in comes my surgeon, dr. Akbari. He’s wearing a black pair of emo skinny jeans and a bling bling belt. hahahaha. I told him his pants were awesome and he started dancing. and it was hilarious

this is my surgeon. best dr. i’ve ever had. 

the hernia is FIIIINE, all my parts are staying in just fine! I don’t have to see him anymore :-) he gave me lots of hugs. Told me i’ve touched his heart. I told him he’s touched much more than my heart. Like my intestines, my uterus, and many other major organs. hahaha

saw my favorite nurse in the world. Got hugs, happy faces, and well wishings. tellin you, those ppl are like family to me.

another cool thing is that i never have to have another colonoscopy ever in my life EVERRR… ( i do have to have flex sigs..but they are much less invasive, and i never have to drink the nasty sea water again). ..so.. to all my 20 something year old friends..i’ll be there for you when you turn 40 and have to start having them :-)

THEN sat and ate some lunch, and made it to my physical therapy appointment. Met my therapist. She’s AWEEESOME.

she asked me a lotta questions about what i had just been through. so i listed my surgeries. And when i got to the part that says, :In september, i had an intestinal abscess burst and perforate my intestine, so i had emergency surgery”, her mouth dropped open. happens allll the time when i tell doctors. They look at me like i’m a ghost. Because i technically shouldn’t be alive.  Wasn’t my time to go yet was it?? :)

anways

She did all kinds of diagnostics to try and figure out what is wrong with me, and why i’m having so much back pain.

Basically:

    My abdominal muscles are mush. Similar to this oatmeal

(dramatic..)

My stomach has to much scar tissue in it from surgeries, that its trying to pull my front down, while my back is trying to hold me up

she did exercises with me to show me how to help. Like..ok.. REALLY simple. Like, lay back on a table and try to straighten my back with my lower abdominal muscles..and my muscles. did. not. budge.  

Or like, sit back in a chair and tighten my muscles and lift my leg.. couldn’t barely life the leg. 

or like, try and to a crunch. my shoulders made it like, a millimeter off the table. 

Guys its baaaaaaad. She told me that my abdominal area is debilitatingly depleted from so many surgeries. And that its going to take a lot of work to get there. Like, to sit on an exercise ball and lift my leg is an ADVANCED session that is wayyy far in the future.

it was a huge wake up call. i didn’t know it was so bad! I think i deny those things a lot.

i left with a lumbar roll for when i have back pain while sitting.  

and now i have ice on my back. usually hurts a lot after travel.   I have to go back in three weeks for another long session. SHe told me that the second appointment is usually short, but that i’m special and mine would be longer :-)

Then i got coffee cuz i was SOOOO TIRED„ and booked it home!

well i woulda booked it till this happened:

and then when that was done:

then

i am really glad to be home.

Learning list.

Ok.

Starting Physical therapy in a few days, still waiting for my court date, beginning to drown in debt again because i’ve been struggling for over a year to take care of myself while i’ve been sick.  

Having said that, (to set up my scene here) i’ve decided to take on a project. Since my life is oooo so slow right now, i’m going to try and do something productive with my time. 

I’m making a list of things i want to learn about. Things i always blew off because i either didn’t have the time, energy, or due to my (our) youthful age. Here’s what i’ve come up with so far

1.) War:

always had tests and stuff on them in school, but i never really dove into each one, and why, and the background. I’ve been watching movies on different wars (i dunno why, i just got super interested all of a sudden) I watched on on Iwo Jima, and some others. Time to learn more.

2.) Art:

ok. i’m in the liberal arts. I’m a musician..but for some reason art NEVER interested me. Like, going to the Chicago Art Institute, and different art museums is hard for me because all i see is a picture that i don’t understand. I think (for me personally), thats dumb and uneducated, and unappreciative of someone’s work. I’m gonna work on that. 

3.) Politics: I think i’m actually gonna bump this up to spot number one. Ok, our age group is always the one on the Low end as far as political turnouts and behaviors. Our age group is the least likely to give a flip. There are a lot of reasons for that that i’ve read about, but a lot (not all of us) are more likely to give into complacency. (i finished 1 of the streep biographies the other day and in a college speech, this came up.. haha) SO i added it to my list. I’m gonna really dig in, and not be a complacent member of society, and not wait till i’m 65 yrs old to give a flip. haha. Especially while i have the time! I’ve got some books lined up, and documentaries on netflix. It’ll be fun

(i’m trying to not have this frame of mine.. like i used to all the way up till about 12 hrs ago.. haha)

any other ideas would be cool. But so far i think i’ve got some pretty weighty topics!

Heads up: Another Rambling mess..

Ok so i ramble a lot in this so i’ll try to separate each thought with a picture. lol

I’ve been wanting to blog a real one for like, 3 days… So i finally took a moment. haha

Ok so i’m slowly falling off the high.. (which i urge you everyone.. its normal when you follow God, honestly.Highs and lows happen. they make us stronger) 

Got back from Atlanta last week. It was a really fun and relaxing trip. However, i did learn that i’m 80 years old in real life. Lol. By the end of every night i was so exhausted that i didn’t know which way was up or down, even though we didn’t do anything physical! We didn’t even go from place to place. It was really chill! It helped me learn a lil better where I am at. Driving wore me the heck OUT too!

 However, still being on the road to recovery, I’ve come back home to feel like i’ve hit a couple more brick walls. I’ve been suddenly hit (again) with feelings of illegitimacy. Here’s a visual example ( i get visions of my thoughts all the time haha)

Yup.. that’s it.. lol. cept put me there. I’m just sitting still in life right now. Feel like i’m not moving forward, or backwards actually. And i’m just sitting watching people pass by, find new jobs, lives, explorations, love of their lives, etc, while i just sit. (dont take this wrong. i couldn’t be HAPPIER for you guys!..really!) 

Here’s what a normal 23-24 yr old is supposed to do:

1.) Graduate

2.) Live in limbo for a BRIEF time

3.) Get a job

4.) Move out.

not me yet!!! haha

 Now, this here is a NORMAL thing to feel when you sit still so long, but a VERY hard feeling to grab a hold of and control. I need to sit and trust and be excited about the future that God has made for me! I know he has something so big planned. Its just hard to see it from here. 

I have been inspired lately though… This may sound kinda strange..but i’m reading a Meryl Streep Biography. lol.

I was just reading it to be a true fan, like i am. It was written in 1984, so its VERY old and is missing like, 30 more movies but o my goodness, it has stirred up inspiration in me! 

You know why she made it to be one of the greatest living acresses? (not just saying that… its true..

http://www.imdb.com/list/-hVsiTW0y78/

haha

 All she did was be good at what she’s good at. Then moved to New York and started a new life doing what she was good at, and people noticed it. Done with the Greatest humility. Not even knowing why people thought she was so great. If i don’t leave it at that, i’ll type all night about it. haha

What that stirred up in me is both good AND bad. 

The Bad:

1.) i feel like i’m never going to have the opportunity to be successful (DRAMATIC i know.. haha i know i will someday) And then it makes me wish i was as cool as all the famous people. haha..thats bad. 

The Good:

2.) It inspires me to pick up and move to a brand new place and be good at what i’m good at. And put my heart into it. I know i’ve got something.  I wanna start over, find my niche, find my community, find a church, find the love of my life. I really don’t think any of that is here.

I wanna go someday when i’m better. I consider New York or Chicago sometimes, but i don’t wanna be far from my family and the friends i already have. Never wanna lose those a day in my life. Maybe DC.. Its a big city full of opportunity and urban-ness(not a word), yet its still close to my fam and friends.  

Anyway. TO bring my rambling thoughts to a close, I’m having many other thoughts. I’d love to talk to anyone about it if you’d really like to know. I don’t think they are things i can put in this blog. I’ve been in a long season of defining what kind of Christian i am. I’ve become a really relaxed and open one. One that doesn’t tolerate condemnation and judgement well, mainly because there’s no condemnation:

[There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1, KJV

(thanks to mel for reminding me of that verse)

I’ve been condemned before. Not a good feeling. I’ve also been the one that condemned and judged before. 

Anyway,my times with God have fallen yet again, so i’m looking at ways to change how i do this because i think doing it the same way every morning makes it Boring. There’s lots of way to do this, we all just chose very similar patterns. I think its great to switch them up sometimes. 

I have changed in the past 2 years in many ways. And if anyone ever wants to talk about it, i’d love it. Just how ive become not afraid of many things, i’ve become not afraid to share my feelings. As long as you are a person that enjoys REAL talk and doesn’t get offended easily.haha. I’ve learned to watch what i say and only share my opinions when asked. 

Its just that when you go through so many kinds of christianity in your life, you learn what each kind has to offer, and what kind you wanna stay away from because its DANGEROUS

i have no pics to put in between those. They are just me trying to talk without saying too much. hahaha

I start Physical therapy on the 6th :-) I’m on the way to moving on!

i should prolly stop now. A slow Justin Timberlake Jam just came on my shuffle.

called “another song all over again’

love it 

Dear Everyone

ALright.. i was thinking about how this post was gonna have absolutely nothing to do with anything i usually blog about here, like my recovery. But actually, it does. 

I think one of the biggest things you can do when you’re going through the slowest, yet longest season of your life is to get a hobby.

Mine are Mariah Carey and Meryl Streep. 

M & M if you will… haha… i think i like names that start with M? My best friend’s name even starts with an M.. actually, she has the same Initials as Mariah Carey. That’s the only reason i’m friends with her..

lol JUST KIDDING. 

I have every Mariah album Been there done that. nothing more i can really do…

I can even tell you my favorite ALbum of hers, AND favorite song. 

Daydream.. DUH.. its on a poster on my wall.

Favorite song:

always be my baby

anyway„, enough about that…

But now I’m on a mission. To (eventually) own every streep movie. (THere are over 50, mind you.. so this will take a long time) and I can better do that when i have a job (haha) BUT at the time i’m looking for my favorite ones. I’ve got 10, and now i’m looking for 6 more. Then i’ll have all my favorites!

SO, i’ve been to some 10 used DVD stores. ( i have to buy them used.. less $$) haha.  But the problem i’m running into now, is that these movies are SOO hard to find because they are so good, that no one wants to sell them back. This is a very sad, yet awesome thing to run into. I’m kinda glad no one would sell them back. When i found music of the heart, i was actually offended that someone would sell that back, but i could never find it anywhere else!!.

SO here’s what i got… If you ever run into these movies, hollah at a sista. I’ll pay you back. I can’t really travel to any other stores, i’ve hit all the ones in my area, and one in atlanta AND one in RIchmond. haha. 

In this order actually…from ones i REALLY REALLY need, to ones i REALLY want.

this is is relatively new so i’m not really surprised that you can’t find it. 

they should have these covers! Unless that’s changed. I could get them off amazon but then they charge me shipping and i’m annoyed with that.. i may just have to do that anyway. Movies and music is really helping keep me from going insane from this recovery process. 

FINALLY

TIme for an update??? Thats what i used to do with this blog first when i started it like, over a year ago!

  I’m doing great! Still getting better and better. Mentally, physically. Eating well..(VERY well… sometimes i get concerned about myself) hahaha.

  On the other side„ STILL not back to normal.  This actually helps bring me around to my next decision..

  I’m feeling like I need to take at least a year and heal. at first i wanted to GET THE HECK OUTA here and hit the road and go get my masters degree. But its been brought to my attention (by the Lord) that i need to slow dooown. Right now, my Brain, and my ambitions are getting way ahead of what my body is ready for. I’m like, 1 month post op, and LESS than a year post op of FOUR almost back to back surgeries.

 Any my body is baaaanged up. I want to go run around and do this and that and get involved and get a job and hit life as usual. However, the faster i move, the worse my body responds. Hernia area, and ileostomy area still hurt when i do too much, my back still KILLS when i’m on my feet too long, one of my incision areas still even bleeds here and there.  I still have to take it easy, or i’ve bought myself another surgery. and i sincerely don’t think i have anymore in me for that.

Pretty sure i gotta do some more work on me. Get some counseling, as soon as i can to help me process some bad memories.  

I need to get my physical therapy, bulk up a lil, and put some muscle back on my bed ridden legs and body. I look like a chicken. hahahaha.

my stomach even kinda looks like that because its just a blob of no muscle!! hahaha..

see look at my legs. can’t you see how they resemble the chicken?!

 SO, to those of you whom i’ve expressed my ambition for getting back in the world..it’s my desire speaking. SOmetimes my desire speaks before my brain does. i’m not ready, and that sucks because i’m SO tired of ‘recovering’. My 24yr old brain wants to do more than my “80” year old body is ready for. hahaha

On the LIGHTER side, i’m about to take a trip!! Which is gonna be a lil physically challenging, but i neeeeeeeeed need NEED this. And guess what, its in the COMPLETE opposite direction as richmond! :-)  :-) about 6 and a half hours to be exact!

The thing that makes this more ok is that i’ve already made known the fact that i’m not %100 back to normal yet and that I have to be very careful and make sure to rest here and there! Walking around too long is still a challenge for me :-)

But the fact of this trip is that its the first time that i’ve been able to escape all of this since last january since it all started. I just need to see and breath some new air! And feel some new sun!! 

I NEED I NEEEEED!!!!! Even though this might not be the best financial decision, i have a huge feeling that it will all work out, and not to worry. I need this. again.. hahaha. 

been having fun with huey too. I’ve been teaching him how to be more photogenic. I think its working :-)

The hair sagas.

This has nothing to do with anything at all.. lol i just wanted to show what happens when i’m away at the hair salon for hours, lol

Step one

a hot mess… and believe it or not, when its closest to my hair needing to get done is when i get the most compliments. Between the mcdonals, and my hair salon today (which is like, 500 feet), i got three compliments.

Ok.. my hair needs to be done because if you look closely, its dirty. Thats a lotta why i where a bandana. hahaha. (sometimes i wear it cuz i like the look) . My new growth is coming in (my hair is naturally curly) and it itches and i can’t comb through it!!

SO i go to the hair salon. I’ve been going to the same guy since i was like, 4.

yupp… he did that

He’s a genius at what he does. And its funny being in the salon, him and all the other stylists usually have really hilarious conversations and i CRACK UP. haha

Part 1: 12.00pm.. he greases my hair up so the perm doesn’t burn.

then

usually burns.. this perm straightens the new curly hairs. 

then i get all rinsed out and get a conditioner„ and this time, he colored my hair a lil differently

i hate caps. i dunno why, they just bother me. The hair dryer helps things settle in better.

Then, he takes me out and shampoos my hair like 3 times.does any necessary trimming and ends clipping,  Then i get to sit under the dryer for like, an hour or 2.

i usually get bored.lol. I think that white stuff in my hair helps it dry faster. It takes forev because we have thick hair (ps i’m only talking like this because most of my white friends have no idea how this stuff works.. lol) 

After a while, i’m dry. he will add grease (because black people’s hair gets dry, not greasy)„ then i get to get flat ironed! With a chi flat iron or these like,  hot metal thingies.  

this forms the fo-wawk! I am a wimp with the flat ironing because everytime the thing gets too close to my scalp i freak out, and greg has gotten used to that. haha. 

Then, by about 2:30 or 3 (depending on how busy he is) i’m done! Nice fresh straight roots, nice clean hair, and a pretty cool do:

the first week or so, its usually a lil curvy like this but then it straightens out and loosens up some, and settles. I think it looks better as time goes on. 

Then sometimes i’ll re-do it by myself, or have mel help and it will be a bit more spiky. 

That’s all. 

easy right?